Musings / My life

A rollercoaster ride

I have been like this before – many times to tell the truth. I have plenty of ‘before’ photos I could share, I have analyzed myself a lot in the past four years, recording huge amount of data. I thought that might be the ultimate solution to overcome my struggle with weight problems: recording everything in great details so as to find the truth beneath the surface.

I have always been strong – mentally and physically as well. I never wanted to be thin, no. I wanted to be muscular and shredded. I can do sport passionately but whenever I take a break from my daily training – I suddenly lose that inner drive and can’t force myself to hit the gym for a couple of weeks. I usually train hard for 2 to maximum 5 weeks, then I reward myself with a day-off that later turns out to be a week-off and ultimately a month-off.

It’s like a rollercoaster – ups and downs like in other parts of my life. I always do everything passionately with all my power; I simply don’t know how to keep my passion under control. When I do sports, I want to push myself to my limits and beyond.

I remember being strong, really strong – years ago I used to run 12K almost every day. I felt I couldn’t be defeated, like I achieved everything I could – concerning my physical capacity and I enjoyed every moment of it. I never thought this could be temporary. I felt I climbed that mountain I always wanted and I finally deserved that pure victory over my own body. That was the biggest mistake I ever made. Taking that success for granted. I thought I finally got over my lifelong struggle, all my difficulties are solved and over once and for all…

Now I can hardly run 20 minutes without having a smaller pause – not to mention having a constant pain in my lower back from the office job I have these days. That strong me is like a fond memory that is slowly fading away as the days go on. Whenever I look in the mirror I keep searching for that person I once praised and looked upon and only see somebody who is beaten, defeated and really familiar – me, myself and I. A burden I have to learn how to handle, the sad truth of life that everything – even the good moments – are temporary. Nothing lasts forever; especially victory…