I have been collecting my ideas every single day for the past few months and it still feels so difficult to sum it up.
Should it be positive and encouraging or realistic with a hint of irony? It all depends on the purpose of my writing. I could share my experience as if it was a journey which is challenging but also difficult with unexpected relapses or an almost impossible fight against my nature and the world.
Every single morning I have to make this choice. Each and every day my goals seem to be closer and further than ever depending on my body’s reaction to these challenges.
In August I went to the gym almost every day. I could feel the positive impact of this as I found myself stronger and healthier day by day so it felt like an addiction after a few days. I needed more and more, it gave me purpose, satisfaction and more importantly: positive feedback. I could see the result of my efforts and I wanted to push myself to my limits and way beyond. The best way to describe this period is: obsessed. I was obsessed with training, with being determined and focused and pushing myself to the very edge of my natural boundaries. I wanted those times back, when I was in high school, going to swimming trainings on a daily basis, where I could get rid of all the stress around me and get to know myself through sports and healthy challenges.
This all seems way to perfect to be true – at first I was of this opinion as well, that challenge accepted and within a few weeks: almost accomplished.
I know it perfectly well, that if I could get myself to have a daily routine, everything would be a lot easier. The problem is: I’m not like that. Every day is different for me as I simply can’t have anything consistent in my life. One day I run the household: do the daily shopping, cook, do the housework and stuff like that, the other day I don’t give a shit about household chores: I’m learning languages obsessively all day long, the next day I’m playing computer games all night long and it’s also me who stays up late to finish an interesting book – usually something from the classics.