Musings / My life

Starting point

I look in the mirror and I don’t feel any different. The same old me is staring back at me, the same old way with the same expression. I know I failed again and couldn’t succeed my previous goal but I’m used to this feeling. I have been through this a thousand times so far, I stopped counting years ago.

I am absolutely aware of my size but I can’t see it in the mirror. When I look in the mirror I automatically find the perfect angle from where I don’t see any difference. I have the impression that it’s just the scale… I’m not any bigger; it’s just a stupid trick of life. Although I should know – and actually I do know – that something went off-road again, as I simply don’t fit in my favorite clothes. Still it feels so strange: everything looks normal, usual, as if nothing has changed and still I have put on 22 lbs recently. It took me almost a year to drop the same 22 lbs and now I’m back again, at the starting point. This time I hope it will be different. My problem is not losing weight but maintaining my size. After a while I just lose control.

I stop paying attention to the size of my portion and start eating in the evenings – and then it’s just a matter of time. It doesn’t take long till I get used to this eating habit once again, so if I try to skip dinner at 8 pm I am literally starving and suffering from heartburn. At first I didn’t realize that I developed GERD as I never had it before. It took me quite some time to understand the symptoms – and my stupid reaction to them. It first seemed obvious and natural to eat something when I started feeling that dull pain of having too much gastric acid. I didn’t realize that this only escalated my already existing problem: after eating I felt I simply couldn’t digest it so I was suffering even more. It is a quite frustrating situation as I feel I’m not in control of my actions, whatever I do just makes everything worse. This was the ultimate point that made me realize I had to do something about this as it cannot go on much longer.

Even if I don’t see myself any bigger, I can already feel that my body is struggling with my eating habits and it doesn’t feel like I’m having a cheat meal once in a while but being off-road all the time.
It gives me no pleasure just a constant pressure to fulfill my desire to eat, like some kind of addiction. I always found joy in eating and it has made my life difficult for many years now. When I’m mentally strong I can resist the urging temptation to feed my desire but these days it’s quite challenging to find something to hold onto.