Health / Musings

What you really want

I didn’t know how to continue my story; I couldn’t see in advance how it unfolds itself, so I had to wait for it myself as well. Even though I have been through some rough times lately, I didn’t want to feel pathetic after a while. I wanted to share my thoughts but apart from what has already been written I couldn’t add anything meaningful, so I decided to wait a bit.

As this is a real-time storytelling, I have no direct impact on the pace of the story itself, even though I would love to believe that I’m in full control of my body and mind.

Yesterday I got up with the desire to get into my best shape ever. Throughout the day this intention slowly changed into a concept and ultimately a crystal-clear devotion to this project. I was determined and full of passion, I could hardly wait to take the first steps and pursue my goals through sweat and hard work.

Sometimes when I’m so motivated and full of energy, I just overthink things: I see the positive, exceptional outcome, the big turn, the outstanding results – even before the first drop of sweat could appear on my face. I’m not there yet, but I feel the sensation of the victory and pure joy.

As controversial as it might seem to be, I tried to remain realistic and patient about my inner drive. No matter how determined I am during the day, the evenings are the real challenges for me. After finishing at almost 7 p.m. in the evening I had to face the cruel temptation of a nice slice of my favorite pizza on my way home. I couldn’t resist this temptation the past few months – this clearly contributed to my present size…

Yesterday I asked myself ‘What do I really want?

I felt like I was starving and couldn’t survive the night without food, but instead of giving up I took a deep breath and hit the gym. On my way to gym my thoughts were about the upcoming training and my hunger suddenly disappeared. In the gym I pushed myself to my limits and beyond, enjoying every second of it. Throughout my cardio session I could feel the flow, just like years ago – everything I longed for suddenly became available again, within easy reach – just a matter of decision to go for it and enjoy. I didn’t have to feel guilty as I didn’t reward myself with food – as I used to… – instead I made that (that time difficult but) wise choice to stay strong and fight for my dreams.

What I really want is flow and energy – and I can only get these from sports. Even if I enjoy every bite of my cheat meal (what I usually had almost every day) it doesn’t give me what I really need or dream about. It’s just a temporary happiness, a way to forget my daily struggles and simply give up. Reschedule my plan, maybe tomorrow and so on. I have had enough of this attitude. Yesterday I saw the power of mental strength as I could – not easily but still – overcome my weakness to stay focused and strong. This gives me energy today and I want to be proud of myself tomorrow, so I think I will hit the gym today as well.